Kudos to anyone to can accurately state the inspiration for the title of this post.
I have been getting hit up for my "expert advice" as of lately from the group of weirdos disguised as my friends. Really, what part of insane don't they understand? The mere fact they approach me for my counsel leads me into a long mental diatribe of what qualifies someone to give an opinion on personal matters. I, of course, mean qualifications outside that of professionals who have all the proper letters after their names. But that's another ramble for another time. :-)
The most recent plea came from a very sweet, innocent female friend of mine who asked, "How do I date?"
No, I am not exaggerating, those were her exact words.
Upon further prodding, I realized that she basically wanted to know how to play the game. Yes, dating is a game, I, however, don't play it. I detest people who play games and screw around. Be upfront and honest. If you want NSA sex, say so. If you want love, marriage and a baby carriage, say so. The majority of my friends are my age or older and, frankly, we are all above the maturity level of high school dating game players, so don't put on a show.
After that nice little tirade was done, said adorable friend came back with an immediate, "But! But! You've dated a ton more guys than I have! You're the experienced one here! I need more information!" Her voice was at shriek level by the end of this statement, so precious.
Girls, being this desperate to find out how to "play" a guy correctly translates into your behavior and eventually, your relationship. Unless a girl is looking for a stalker-esque "dream guy", he isn't going to get hot and bothered by the distinct odor of clock (the biological one, not the adorable pewter one on my bookcase).
My best advice on how to play the game is to not play the game. Have a life. Go on a cruise with your girlfriends, take a Yoga class, hell, take a belly dancing class, you will look hot and provide a future lover with hours upon hours of entertainment. As I have said before, you can't give someone your life if you don't have a life. When you are eighty, you can be sitting beside that guy you've been married to for fifty years, and tell him about some of the fun you've had, instead of lamenting to your cats about the love that never was.
Oh, and don't stress about being thirty and still single. It will lower your self esteem and be an immediate turn off to any prospective suitors.
In other news: Can someone please alert the atmosphere it is April? I think it's confused with November and this Princesse is freezing her booty off.